In time of war...

     This isn't a political blog or a very personal one; but it is blog on women, motherhood and creativity- so I feel it’s important to discuss how we deal with being (or not being!) creative during times of stress. Sometimes during stressful situations there are no kids around and we have the time to create…this is our time. Only our thoughts are so consumed with stressful thoughts that it pushes creativity aside and paralyzes us. What if you can't find the muse to create!?

     When I was going through my divorce, for some reason I couldn't paint. I can’t explain it except to say that maybe I connect oil painting to a very emotional place in me and I didn't want to deal with that place, so I pushed it aside. But I found other ways to create. I created a lot of mosaics during that time. Something in the process of breaking things up, physically, and putting them together in a new beautiful way, spoke to me. The creative process helped me, healed me, calmed me and I found peace there.

     It took me along time to pick up my brush again. I worked with soft pastels, oil pastels and pencils and only recently got back into my oil painting again. And I love it again!

     But this past week I had an emotional blockage. I couldn't write my blog and I couldn't paint all week! I was too preoccupied with the war going on in my country. My mind was so consumed with thoughts, there was no room left for anything else.

If you aren't from Israel then you may not know there was a war going on here. Officially, it wasn't called a war. But believe me when I say that for the people in Israel it definitely felt like a war! The last time I heard sirens in Jerusalem and had to run to a safe room I was a teenager. I was living at home, a senior in high school, and my parents were there to protect me. I remember feeling that. It was a very family oriented time. We spent a lot of time at home just waiting for the sirens. We played a lot of backgammon and spent most of our time together glued to the TV to see what was going on in the country. Who was hit? How many injured? It was very scary, but I felt safe with my family.

      Last Friday night a siren went off in Jerusalem, I was home with two of my three kids. We grabbed the dog and ran into the safe room. I didn't know where my 16 year old was. I was very scared. We heard a boom -and I realized – I am the parent here. My kids are looking to me to feel safe. I didn't feel safe. My insides were screaming. Where is my son? Where did it hit? Where is my son? I hope no one got hurt! WHERE IS MY SON!!! But outside, I was calm. For my kids who were also nervous. I had to be calm and keep them calm. Hug them and reassure them that it will be okay. We just need to stay in the room 10 minutes to be sure and safe and then we will go out and see that all is okay….but inside…inside, I was scared too. And when my son came home, very shaken from the experience, I couldn't stop hugging him.

     When the next siren that went off in Jerusalem, I was teaching. I wasn't with my kids! I didn't know where they were, and that scared me. I didn't think anything had happened to them, but they weren't with me. Who is helping them feel safe?

And then a bus was blown up in Tel Aviv, and I couldn't breathe until my kids got home that day. They all take buses back and forth from school everyday…

     It has taken all my strength and emotions to keep it together for my kids. Our country was at war for a week. They saw the news. Even when Jerusalem wasn't affected we are all affected because this is a country where we are all one family. We all care for each other and want to protect each other like a family. We are all responsible for one another and want to feel safe.

     So, I couldn't write and I couldn't paint.  My thoughts were too consumed with worry and concern for my family.

     Now the painting will come again. Now I will express it all in my work. I need that distance from emotional events in my life to be able to create on them. Time to reflect, and then create. I dealt with my divorce in the end, as I dealt with my mother’s illness. I painted through it eventually. And it healed me. 

So let us all go back to creating, to living. And I wish my WHOLE family a safe, warm and peaceful week.